The rock that destroyed Harry Potter's life
by ham-queen
Summary: An unwelcome visitor visits hogwarts. Then he becomes welcome, then unwelcome again, and he goes down in history.


One day there was a rock that was alive and had a face, but no arms and legs, so it had to hop everywhere. On a fine sunny Sunday the rock decided it wanted to be a wizard so it hopped all the way to hogwarts.  
  
One arrival it found it was naked. So it caught the hogwarts express to Diagon alley to buy robes. Unfortunately they did not supply robes fitted for rocks. The rock was angered and went on a rampage through Diagon alley. When he got to the magical creatures shop he irrelevantly told the man his shop was not decorative enough and so the man put up Christmas decorations to please the rock. Then the man became lazy, and told the rock that if he wanted to continue his rampage he must catch lacewing flies. This was physically impossible considering he had no arms. And he destroyed all the merchandise.  
  
His rampage was to no avail and he went back to hogwarts naked.  
  
He made his way into the great hall. Everybody stopped feeding their faces and faced the naked rock before them. Some people fainted, others gasped, some died, some ran away in shock, but no matter what they did, it was quite clear nobody was amused.  
  
Draco Malfoy, a young, extremely hot, slytherin boy, yelled out, "My eyes have been soiled" (A.N. this isn't irrelevant, we just wanted to give Draco a cameo appearance). Filch, was the only one who did not seem distraught. "Oh you sexy, sexy rock" He said breathlessly. Mrs. Norris was angered. How dare filch love another person. err, animal/rock thing. So she picked up a knife and fork from in front of Ron Weasley, the only one who hadn't stopped eating ("Hey! My eating tools. Now I'll have to eat with my hands, or possibly my feet! NO my beautiful hands and feet!)  
  
The rock was insulted by Ron's comment about hands and feet, so it ran( or hopped) at Ron, hence escaping the wrath of Mrs. Norris. But half way there he was struck with the sudden thought that he would like to have dinner with Oprah Winfrey. So away he went to the astronomy tower to try and find her, who knows why she would be there. Ironically, she was. And the rock was star struck. Just as soon as he could form a word, he was violently yanked away from her by Snape. ("yoink!").  
  
"Dude, you stopped me from getting Oprah's autograph! You will pay!" Snape dropped the rock and ran, but the rock bounced after him. (When he was angry he found he had strange powers.).  
  
He pushed Snape down the stairs. He looked away until he found he could no longer hear thuds (he was not a bloodthirsty rock). The rock looked down, and Hermione Granger died. She had been killed by the curse words that had plagued hogwarts school as Snape was falling down the stairs. "What curse words?" You may ask, and you are.. So, here they are:  
  
Anyhoo, the rock had killed two people, so he was now legally wanted. Everyone had been granted the permission to perform a citizen's arrest, if they saw him. The rock heard this with his magical ears and fled down the stairs, well, hopped, it can't really be called fleeing.  
  
Suddenly, he ran into something. He looked up, and staring at him was Draco, in his second cameo appearance. "Where are you going, Mr. Rock" he asked. He had not been in the meeting about the citizen's arrest. "I don't know! I am just running! RUNNING!!!" He replied. "Who from?" The clueless boy asked. "The law!!!! THE LAW!!!" Draco's heart filled with pity and he decided to take the rock in.  
  
One happy day, when they where playing the Obi-Wan game on x-box in Draco's dorm, the ministry of magic knocked on the door. "Quick, disguise yourself as a paper weight!" Draco said and he placed the rock on some monopoly money that had been attempting to fly away. Unfortunately, the ministry saw the rocks face when the monopoly money began to attack the poor rock. But the rock got away by jumping out the window. The ministry had to arrest someone so they put Draco in azkaban for the possession of a wanted criminal.  
  
***  
  
The rock was a rock, so it couldn't hurt itself when it jumped, and it lived on. Come to think about it the rock was immortal. The rock came to this sudden realization and decided to do everything it had ever wanted to do in life. It jumped to the bottom of the lake and stayed there for a day. The next day the rock was sad. It had nothing to live for. It had done everything it had ever wanted to. Thank god Hogwarts had a lake.  
  
The next day the rock tried out for the hufflepuff quidditch team. In case you were wondering, which we know you are, the school had forgiven him for killing hermione and snape, because he got Draco into azkaban, which is what everyone had been attempting to do for years. Anyway, back to the story. No one wanted to bring such shame upon themselves as to try out for the hufflepuff team. So the rock was the only entrant, and he won the keeper position, although he was not too good because, as you know, he had no arms and legs and was not able to block the oncoming quaffles, let alone stay on the broom and they had to overlook the fact the was naked. But, he was told he was the best hufflepuff keeper in 1984365235491865 years. The team gave him the nickname "The Bludger". You may think this means he was ruthless and cunning and very vulnerable to curses, which we know you are. But it was actually because he kept falling off his broom and hitting people on the head. Also he did look much like a Bludger.  
  
In the middle of a gryffindor vs. hufflepuff game. He performed his ritual of falling off. Unfortunately.. or fortunately, however you feel about Daniel radcliffe,.. He hit harry potter, square in the balls. "OMG Harry Potter is now sterile!!" Said, commentator, Lee Jordan. Some people (mainly guys, but then again not) laughed, some people winced. And the rest of them cried (these were all girls), because they could no longer carry harry potter's baby. (poor bitches). And the rock went on to became a quidditch great. He also went down in history as the person/ rock thing that had ruined harry potter's life by crushing his balls and killing the only GIRL he had ever loved (A.N. In case your wondering why the girl is in capitals, it is because he is GAY), and a lot of girl's dreams.  
  
THE END 


End file.
